I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Become ungovernable.
Never forget.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.