I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
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What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early