I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
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Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.