*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.