[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
You Might Also Like
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from