I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested