Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
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Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I saw nothing
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.