Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If I ignore life will it go away?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”