Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me: I鈥檓 so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
How dude HOW?!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 馃
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I鈥檓 totally fine with it.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If you bake, you鈥檙e a baker.
If you bake a baker, you鈥檙e a murderer.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I鈥檓 just gonna lay on the flooring.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right