Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.