I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars