DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I think about this a lot
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?