Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
What if the weather talks about us?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern