Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
😬
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.