What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening