Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna