People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
these two trucks have the same bed length
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.