You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy