5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now