If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
You Might Also Like
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”