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Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too