Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Hero horse inspires millions
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day