Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.