scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
A short story about romance.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.