[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
when dads have a rap battle
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting