[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
That time Alicia messaged me
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂