Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
you gotta be faster
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
How high do the levels go?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
12653.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop