Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I’m about to risk it all
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.