Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.