I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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There’s no “us” in nachos.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
no
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale