her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.