Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Attacked by a mop.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.