I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles