Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.