Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My husband鈥檚 favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It鈥檚 remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The worst thing just happened. I won鈥檛 recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn鈥檛 free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man鈥檚 chicken.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don鈥檛 like the family I鈥檓 aware of; I really don鈥檛 need to know about anyone else
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I鈥檓 wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Dogs are too pure for this world 馃ズ馃ズ
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl鈥檚 huge clunky sneakers* I鈥檇 probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I鈥檓 shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I鈥檝e made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie