Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
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Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Hell yeah 👍
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.