Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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.. do you even science?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Worlds greatest photobomb
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.