if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward