date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
work smarter, not harder
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.