I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.