Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Sign at work today
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]