Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
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I am HOWLING at this
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
how high up are we talkin’?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Always a housemaid, never a house.