CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.