THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
my one true gender
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.