[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
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Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?