6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL