toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
You Might Also Like
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
selfie game
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.