Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.