Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
The Sun
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany