Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
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the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Solving a traffic jam
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that